Coming to Terms

Every individual, ADHD or not, has a unique mind. One conditioned by years of environmental and social experience; as the saying goes, no two people are alike. This phrase, of course, should be taken with a grain of salt; everyone is alike somehow, but we are also infinitely different. What works for me will not necessarily work for you. That said, there is a lot of value in hearing about other peoples’ experiences.

You can glean kernels of truth through extrapolation and context, and so it is with that in mind that I have decided to share my ADHD experiences. I hope to help others, whether they are diagnosed, or not, whether they have the condition, or not, and for any other reason anyone might ever decide my decision to do so is valuable.

In that vein, now I will highlight some of the activities I have discovered as being infinitely helpful in dealing with my ADHD. I am a father of three children, a happily married husband, and a rather upstanding citizen who tries to do his best despite his differences. These statements were not always true. On the contrary, I have, at times, been the complete opposite of these. I was not born a father, my marriage has been on the rocks, and I have not always been an upstanding citizen.

I say all of this because there are healthy ways of managing ADHD, and there are harmful ways of contending with ADHD. How you choose to handle yourself in regards to ADHD will largely determine how you define the experience as well as how you define your life.

For me, living without a diagnosis was torturous. I didn’t know it, of course, but the truth is still there. Had I received a diagnosis sooner, perhaps I could have avoided a lot of the pain in my life.

So, sooner rather than later, I suggest you come to terms with what it means to be an individual with ADHD. Read up on it, get a diagnosis, tell others. All in all, do whatever you can to understand it and how it relates to you.

• Find Your Niche.

For me, writing and the creative process of creating beautiful photos is more rewarding than the act of making money; it engages my brain on a variety of levels that allow it to run rampant and yet focus in on small details when and where they matter.

I also enjoy people and intelligent discussions on a variety of topics that appeal to me and others. I am a debater at heart, and I will discuss a subject that interests me ad infinitum. This trait also lends itself to my next niche.

I want to help people, but not in the same sense as everyone else; I like to help people “see” things in a new light, and I will go to great lengths to do this for anyone in my life who has shown me an ounce of kindness.

I also love learning. Reading up on subjects that help me comprehend the world around me or provide tools to make me a more competent and well-rounded individual is an endeavor worth doing from sun up until sundown and into the wee hours of the night.

• Be Flexible.

Having ADHD requires a unique outlook on life. Conforming to traditional metrics of success is not going to work, nor is adhering to standard definitions of what it means to be a productive member of society. Holding this perspective does not mean living a life of half-measures, and unhappiness, instead, it means living a fruitful life according to your sense of values.

Being flexible also means understanding that your brain works differently than other peoples and adjusting accordingly. If you’re struggling in one area of your life, and that area of your life is truly important to you, i.e., it is a part of YOUR value system, then you need to discover a new way of integrating that part of your life into the perceptions and beliefs you have been holding onto. It is not that you are failing at a particular task; it is that you are going about it the wrong way, or perhaps you are, in some way, misplacing your values.

• Set Boundaries.

This is an intriguing subject that I have struggled with over the years, and I am only now coming to terms with it. A couple of ideas come together in this simple concept.

One, don’t be a Yes Man. Two, don’t let your thoughts walk all over you. Both aspects of this concept can, in a way, fall under the category of “Coming to Terms,” but it deserves its own space.

Being the outsiders that we are, we have often contended with attempting to conform to society’s expectations. We genuinely want to “fit in,” and this puts us at a disadvantage as we try to meet everyone else’s expectations; we assume too much responsibility and exacerbate our problems by straining our minds.

Setting boundaries with others is critical, and it requires self-awareness to do this properly. We also need to set boundaries for ourselves; understanding our unique nature, and the negative aspects that can come with it, if not properly managed, is a balancing act we must all perform.

The system you use to create personal boundaries will broadly be determined by your individual experience, thought processes, and circumstances. I can’t assume what boundaries are essential to you, and I can’t tell you how to enforce them. Living as an individual with ADHD is a profoundly personal experience that no one can explain how to do. They can only give you guidelines; the rest is up to you.

• Roll With The Punches.

Especially if you’re just discovering what it means to be an individual with ADHD, understand that various obstacles are going to present themselves. Difficulties will arise. Keeping a level head and tackling these obstacles with a new sense of self and creative flexibility will open new doors for you.

• Explore Your Shadow-Self.

Having ADHD means having a world of experiences that few people understand. Grappling with the darker sides of life, such as fear and shame, will often show you where you’ve been struggling and, with a little creative reasoning, can help you explain why, e.g., unveiling a more accurate sense of self.

• Celebrate Your Differences.

Having ADHD is not an affliction, not if you don’t want it to be. ADHD provides many benefits that can, and will, set you apart from your peers. In a world with so much noise, and so much competition, having a few characteristics that help identify you isn’t something to be afraid of; it is something to be celebrated.

Once you can let go of the deepest parts of you that have wanted to “be included,” you’ll have a better understanding of the forest for the trees, you’ll be able to step outside of yourself, and a make a greater impact than you ever imagined.

• Take Charge of Your Life.

So, what are you waiting for? The choice is yours. It always has been. You were just too busy fighting yourself and trying to conform to a value system that you don’t abide by. Now is the time to make a difference. Now is the time to step outside of your comfort zone and apply a new way of thinking, quite literally, to the world around you. Never give up. Never stop trying, only now…do it your way.

Best Regards,

The Uncreative Ghost