ADHD comes with a slew of tendencies, traits, and characteristics that can be hard to manage, especially when you don’t know that you have ADHD. Most of all, though, is the feeling that you are an outsider. While growing up, it is easy to see that you are different; a lot of people in your life will tell you so in a variety of ways. Other people often do not understand, and they can’t see past our perceived “deficiencies.” We are distracted, at times irritable, restless, and anything but punctual. We don’t conform, we’re wild at heart, and we have radical ideas that do not make sense to them.

No wonder why this has been labeled a mental illness. Can anyone else see that ADHD is not an “illness” or a “condition?” That it is a way of being. A truism, even if others can’t see it.

Today I want to discuss the difficulties that ADHD individuals experience in trying to adhere to traditional ways of life because it is my opinion that having ADHD is not a problem. The root cause of our problems as individuals with ADHD is in how society is structured and the limited view it takes when looking at us.

Let me explain with an anecdote from my own experience.

Growing up, I always felt different; like an outsider, but the environment that I grew up in lent to this feeling. Having a broken family at two years of age, I moved around a lot; new schools, new friends, and even different family dynamics depending upon which family I was with were all a part of my experience. This added to the sense of feeling like an outsider, and so I continued on in my life not questioning why I felt this way. The feeling had a rationale behind it, a reason for being.

Moving around also meant very few people in my life had the opportunity to observe me in various environments,i.e., everyone got a “piece” of me, not the whole me.

As you can see, this lent itself to flying under the radar and maintaining a certain degree of isolation. I became independent; doing everything I could to maintain balance and perform to the tasks that were set before me. I rarely looked to others for a sense of security, and yet, at the same time, I desperately wanted to understand and be understood.

I could float through any social circle, but I also remained distant. I kept pieces of myself close to heart.

Why did I remain distant? Why did I continue to hold back?

Because I felt shame. I was different, and I knew it. Most everyone around me could accomplish simple tasks like stay focused, get started early enough that they didn’t have to rush, remember dates, times, and important events. They were rewarded for adhering to the social constructs that existed all around me, while I was labeled (in a variety of ways) as being a lazy procrastinator who wasn’t living up to his potential.

What child who already feels like an outsider is ever going to step forward and confess his deepest pains when everyone around him viewed him so negatively?

I don’t want to gloss over the small moments where people would congratulate me on something. I did receive praise, but it was inconsistent, and it sometimes came with a caveat,i.e., side comments that implied, even with my best efforts, I wasn’t enough.

All of this leads to what is now called Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, or RSD.

What I needed was for someone to not only accept me but also to understand there was something positively different about me. I’m not special, not in the negative sense of the word, and definitely not any more than anyone else; I was just different. I am different.

The point of all of this is that I feel RSD is an illness. It is a condition forced on people with, or without, ADHD via the pressure to adhere to social norms. No one person is to blame for this, though each person walking through life can certainly try to be more aware and more accommodating. Having an understanding that not everyone is designed the same is essential to a healthy way of life for everyone, and having that awareness, that ability to see should then inform anyone with it that they need to pay attention to the people who are different. These people feel alone, hurt, and misunderstood. They feel like they can’t achieve the same success as everyone else, and they deserve to have support.

I know I feel a lot better for understanding why I am the way I am. ADHD is not a condition, nor is it an illness, but RSD is, and it can be cured through proper understanding and support on all sides of the equation.

If you are out there struggling or know someone who is, if you think ADHD or another definition for existing might apply, then I pray you will do what you can for this individual. They may not be ready to hear it, they may not want to address the pain just yet, but it is vitally important that they feel understood.

The best way to do this? Ask engaging questions that offer them a chance to show you their world. Don’t strive to impress your world on them, but ask relevant questions that will tease new understanding out of them and for you. Be the person you’ve always known you could be, and then go out in the world and do some amazing shit.

Best Regards Everyone,

The Uncreative Ghost